Christmas was big in our house. Mr. Virgo listened…to every little gasp at something beautiful that caught my eye. To every little “Darn it…I wish I had _, it would make this job so much easier.” To every shiver in the cold or gaze through a shop window…he listened, and watched, and waited. He hid things…in his sock drawer, in his briefcase, in his cowboy boot on the back of the top shelf. Boxes arrived and I was forbidden entry to his closet for a month. He listened…and he planned…and he schemed. And when the time came to open presents, he sat with eager anticipation…not for what HE was going to get. No…he wanted to see the look on my face when I opened…the…perfect…present. He never disappointed. Well, ok…there WAS the year he gave me a flintlock rifle because he thought it would look good hanging over the TV, but I’ve long since forgiven him for that. 😉 He spoiled me rotten. He indulged me. And I miss that. Not the “stuff”. I mean, if I really wanted something, I would find a way to get it. That’s not the issue. I miss the production, the anticipation, the execution of the surprise. I miss the attention. I miss the love.

I have people who love me. I have people who buy me things and they are sweet and tender and the thought that someone has gone out of their way to give me a gift is touching. I have a friend who sends me a little something from Tiffany every year because he knows my heart races when I see that blue box. I get portraits of my grandchildren. I get Starbucks gift cards and lunch or dinner (or both) out. I get cards and hugs. And I am grateful. I am blessed.

Still…nothing compares to the Ghost of Christmas Past. I need to change my focus or I’ll just keep missing what I do not have. So, this year I have compiled a list of gifts I am going to give myself this Christmas.

1. Time. This year, same as last, I’m giving myself the gift of time. Time to heal. Time to take care of myself. Time to learn and grow and change. Grief is not linear. It is not finite. It is an ongoing process that takes attention and I will give myself time.
2. Love. I will love myself tenderly and be gentle with my spirit. It has been wounded and it needs to be loved back to health. I will love Jesus with renewed intention as He is my Rock, my Healer, my Savior in all things. I will love my family and my friends because they are my cheerleaders, my support, my haven.
3. Health. I will take better care of myself and honor the body I have been given to carry me around in. I will walk. I will set and meet goals. I will live and breathe and feel every moment of my life.
4. Permission. I will give myself permission to live freely, to love with abandon, to learn with passion, to break through barriers that hold me back from being fully present in each moment.
5. Forgiveness. I will give myself the gift of forgiveness. For not being perfect. For not being skinny or athletic. For not using sunscreen or flossing regularly. For being short tempered when I’ve been tired. For a million little things that keep me too occupied with what has already happened to allow me to truly be open to the opportunities life throws at me every day.
6. An Open Heart. I will renew my vow to keep my heart wide open, even when I feel it may be in danger of getting stepped on, or tripped over. I will take care of it, surely. But I will not be afraid to love again.
7. Compassion. For myself. For others. For the world.

Seven gifts. One for each day of the week. Gifts that I can rotate and keep giving myself over and over and over. I won’t have to take them back…they’re just the right size. And if I keep giving myself these gifts, I’ll have such an abundance of time, love, health, permission, forgiveness, heart, and compassion that the surplus will just overflow and splash all over everyone around me.

It is not selfish to give yourself such gifts. This is a difficult time of year. High self-expectations lead to stress and disappointment. We are overextended…physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. Add the stress of grief to that and you have a recipe for disaster. Give yourself the gift of self care.

You cannot water a garden if your well is dry. Fill it up!

❤