God grants us grace, even though we are fallible creatures and don’t deserve it. It is His Gift to us and we would do well to be appreciative. We share that gift with others as a sort of “paying it forward”. We let go of the slights of others against us. We forgive others of countless trespasses. I’ve found the one person we are most likely to forget when we are handing out grace is ourselves.

This hit home with me this week as I struggled with losses. I wrote about losing my dear friend Diane in December and how I blamed myself for not being more forceful with her… “demanding” that she get out of bed and go to the ER. I wrote about the week leading up to Mr. Virgo’s death and how the doctor wanted him to have a cardiac work up and I didn’t fight harder to get him to acquiesce. I wrote about the clear premonitions I had in the days before his death, yet I said nothing.

We can be so hard on ourselves, can’t we? Those feelings…that “lack of grace” doesn’t come from God, though. It comes from the enemy to try and break us and defeat us. I awoke yesterday at 6:30am…far earlier than usual. I laid there in the early morning stillness, watching the light begin to creep in the windows of our room. The snow was still falling and the wind whistled around the corners of the house and through the hedgerow beyond. I knew sleep would not return, so I quietly slipped out of bed and closed the door behind me.

I made coffee in my Italian espresso maker. It always comes out so strong so I softened it with milk and hot water to make it more palatable. Still, I have been drinking weaker coffee since my surgery, and soon my heart was fluttering and I felt jittery. I rocked in front of the fire and knitted, relished the quiet solitude of these early morning hours before the TV gets turned on. My mind raced faster than my needles. The combination of the extra caffeine and the significance of the day weighed heavily on me and I soon felt anxious. 

I truly hate that feeling. The one thing that will make it escalate is the thought that follows. “OMGosh! What would I do if there was an emergency now and I’m feeling so overwhelmed and out of control already?” I know it’s ridiculous because I know God gives us what we need in emergencies. I’m doing much better at turning these things over to God and letting him handle it. I closed my eyes and talked with Him. 

“God…I’m going to lay this basket of junk at the foot of your Cross today. Please take it and give me the direction you meant me to go.” In that moment, the word “Grace” popped into my mind. As I sat there and rocked gently, the word loomed ever larger and I realized…God not only wants us to share His Grace with others. He also wants us to grant a goodly portion on ourselves. 

It’s ok that I was overwhelmed with all the feelings yesterday. It’s ok that I allowed myself those moments to feel sad and anxious without imposing guilt, shame, and weakness on top of it. I am not weak. I’ve nothing to feel guilty for. I needn’t experience shame. I grieve the losses of the ones I love…and the vast number that I don’t even know. 

It’s ok to not be ok every moment of every day. Today is a new day. I don’t stay down very long anymore. I’ll indulge that twenty-four hours…or whatever time I need…then pick myself up, dust myself off, and ask God…

“Ok, what’s next?”

?

“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,”

Romans 3:23-24 ESV