He called me “baby doll”. I know he did. I remember it. So why can’t I hear his voice saying it? The inflection. The tone. I can’t hear his voice in my head anymore. Not clearly. It’s way off in the distance. Like the last echo. I hear it said over and over…that most common of pleas…”If I could just talk to him one last time, I’d be ok with this.” That’s a lie we tell ourselves.

I have our old answering machine with the last four or five messages from him. Unfortunately, he only left messages on the house phone when he couldn’t reach me on my cell, which perturbed him. I can hear it in his voice in the recordings. Unlike the voicemails on my cell phone. Those were loving, happy, upbeat, flirty…wonderful. I cleared out the voicemail on my cell phone two days before he died. Now those love notes are gone.

I said I turned the page. I didn’t say I wouldn’t re-read a paragraph or two now and then.

The fact that I can’t hear his voice doesn’t instill panic like I was afraid it would. It doesn’t make me any more sad than say, coming across a note he wrote. It’s just a part of it all. The new normal. The sudden realization every once in awhile that says, “Oh, right…he’s really gone.” That thought still sneaks up and surprises me on occasion.

I’ve never been a good sleeper. Mr. Virgo said that was because I repeatedly said “I’ve never been a good sleeper.” He said I had convinced myself it was true. I said I came up with the conclusion after laying awake countless nights. Sleep has largely eluded me since he died. Sunday night I slept nearly eight hours. I woke up and wasn’t at all sure what planet I was on. It was lovely, but highly disorienting. One of my friends has been widowed ten years. She remembers the sleepless years. She taught herself how to play poker and would play online till the wee hours. I write these posts, and read responses and surf the net and play solitaire and chat online with friends in California. But maybe I’m turning another corner. Eight hours of sleep is pretty cool. Maybe I’ll sleep and his voice will come to me in a dream. That would be nice.

❤

“So I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have. I think it is right to refresh your memory as long as I live in the tent of this body…”

2 Peter 1:12-13