Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where your interactions with the other person leave you confused? A remark comes out of the blue, takes you by surprise, hurts, stuns then with practically the next breath, the person turns it around, smiles, becomes sweet and complacent, and you wonder what just happened? You begin to second guess your perceptions. You think surely what you thought was happening really wasn’t. It had to be your interpretation, right? It had to be something you said or did that caused that negativity because, see? They’re so nice! That is crazy-making behavior. It’s a very clear sign that you are in a toxic relationship. I’ve been there. And fortunately, having been there, I can recognize it when it comes along now. Oh…it took me a little bit this time. I let it bite me three or four times before I caught on.

What pulled me out was sitting down and having a conversation with Mr. Virgo. Bless his heart, he was so patient with me the first year we were together. I would tell him things I believed that others had said. Things that made me feel crazy. Invariably he’d take my hand, look me in the eye, and gently say… “You know that’s crazy, right?” And I’d say, “No, so and so said this and they are so much smarter than me. It must be true! It’s ME that’s crazy!” And he’d just hold my hand and keep telling me over and over till I finally believed him. It wasn’t me. It was the toxin talking. Some relationships are just poison to your soul…to your psyche. You have to walk away from them. So I asked Mr. Virgo what I should do. And I got the message loud and clear. I could “hear” him saying over and over…”You know that’s crazy, right?” Right. You’re absolutely right. Walk away. Walk away. Oh, there are SO many things that could keep me entangled. A sense of obligation. Guilt. Pity. Compassion. Confusing manipulation with love. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For clarity. For courage. For growth.

I prayed for a solution. A quick, healthy solution. My friend from high school was praying at the very same moment. She needs someone to stay at her loft apartment while she’s gone for two months visiting her daughter. She needs someone to water her plants and to make sure the pipes don’t freeze. She hadn’t been on Facebook for days. She had a nightmare in the wee hours of the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep so she checked in to see what was going on. While other posts had come through since I posted a plea Saturday night, asking for help finding a place, there was my post…right at the top of her screen! She sent me a message right away. I went over to her place in the afternoon. A second floor loft, high ceilings, lots of windows, a whole wall of books floor to ceiling in the living room, stacks and stacks of quilts all around, plants everywhere, a big airy bedroom, a half block from the river on a brick paved street nestled amongst small shops and restaurants. Perfect! It’s only 30 miles from the farm so I can still go check on my aunt and make sure things are ok there, yet far enough away that I am protected. I’ll have cell service and internet so I’m connected to my family and friends. A cocoon where I can heal this wound and move on. An inspirational spot to write. This will buy me a couple of months to find another place to park the camper where I can stay for awhile to make sure my aunt gets the assistance she needs and then I can be free to move on. Perhaps my job here was to be more of a facilitator of change rather than an actual caregiver. I can see that to be just as true.

I went to church yesterday with a very special family and went to lunch afterwards at Olive Garden. These people give of their hearts freely and they (as well as my extended and immediate family) salvaged my Christmas. I am forever grateful for the love of family and friends. And of God.

❤