High anxiety. Even with four years under my belt. Even with good grief counseling and EMDR treatments. Even with plenty of prayers, introspection, and traveling 55,000 miles. One medical emergency sends me into a tizzy. I worked in medicine for years. I x-rayed accident victims long before they got cleaned up. I’ve had babies and surgeries and countless trips to the ER. Doesn’t make one iota of difference. I don’t handle emergencies well since Mr. Virgo died. I have a tendency to melt down and throw up and then I berate myself for being weak. Even though I know I shouldn’t. It’s not my fault my brain works differently now. It just does. Grief has altered the way my brain functions, physically as well as emotionally.
This week I took my friend V on a tour of my hometown, searching for the perfect things to do during the Sisters on the Fly event that we’re planning in September. We were driving up this street and saw…a giraffe, in someone’s front yard. We looked at each other and V laughed. “Ok, we don’t have time for this but go around the block, will you? I need a picture of that!” Dutifully, I pulled back around for this fun photo op. V jumped out of the truck and crossed the street behind me and I took the opportunity to check my messages and e-mails.
Several minutes passed and I began to wonder what was taking her so long. Suddenly, I heard the “whoop, whoop” of an ambulance right behind me. I jumped out of the truck to see what was going on. There was V, laying in the street with a man bending over her, his car parked nearby with the door still open. OMGosh! The first thing that went through my mind was he had hit her and knocked her down. Fortunately the ambulance was at the stop light a block away and saw what had actually happened. It turns out V had stepped in a pothole, turned her ankle, and went down in a flash, hitting her head on the curb. When I got over to her, she was surrounded by people and was obviously both disoriented and anxious about all these unfamiliar faces so near.
I immediately went into panic mode. My fight or flight response wanted me to run to the next state, which is actually pretty doable considering we’re on the OH/WV border. Equally strong was my desire to help my friend. After an evaluation of her injuries, it was determined she should go to the ER and get checked out. I followed the ambulance and called a friend on the way to talk me down. I got V her purse, watched them wheel her back through the double doors and promptly threw up. I simultaneously felt better and horrible. How can I help those I love when I can’t handle emergencies?
Anxiety sucks. It’s invisible. The person you are freaking out on has no idea what is going on in your body. They just know you aren’t showing up for them. It’s irrational, but you are convinced you are going to die. You have this terrible fear of throwing up or making a scene and that makes it worse. Your palms sweat. Your heart pounds. Your skin crawls and gets alternately hot and cold. You feel breathless and faint and desperately nauseous. It’s horrible. It makes me feel weak, even though I know deep down I am a strong woman. The only thing I can do is use some Rescue Remedy spray under my tongue, concentrate on my breathing, and pray. It helps when I have an understanding friend that I can call and just listening to a calm voice soothes me. I’ve had EMDR treatments, and…believe it or not…this has infinitely improved. It’s an odd thing, though. It doesn’t happen every time. I can be in similar circumstances and one time I’m fine…another, I’m a mess. I think that’s one of the most frustrating parts.
I always tell you, plain and simple, what life is like for me after losing my husband. Grief is unpredictable, messy, and such an enigma it can really mess with your mind. Everyone who experiences grief has a different story. I tell mine in an effort to embolden you to tell yours. To talk about what you’re going through. A week, a month, a year or five years. Talk about it. Tell your stories. A burden shared is halved. ❤️
“Joshua said to them, “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the Lord will do to all the enemies you are going to fight.””
Joshua 10:25 NIV
Oh Ginny. I feel your pain and emotions. I love your honesty. We are with you girlfriend. It happens to the best of us. Love you!
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I know the feeling. How is your friend V???
Much better. She drove home yesterday. Thank you for asking! ❤️
Ginny….I think we must be soul sisters! I was on the side of V yesterday….fell in a store, got back up, finished my shopping, then, once I got to my car, the waterfalls fell. Not pretty. Seems like for so long I had to “buck up” and put my emotions on the back burner. Since the loss of my husband, there periodically seems to be no “bucking up”….which I guess isn’t a bad thing. I agree…there is no telling when grief will grab you and you have to react. God is our comfort and strength….but it still doesn’t make these times pretty.
Truth! ❤️
I’m so proud of you for having that Rescue Remedy with you. It’s for those times when your mind understands but you still wanna cry or smack somebody…
So thankful V is going to be ok. I love your honesty in telling your stories/experiences. I’m so afraid that unless a miracle happens I won’t have my husband much longer and I can only imagine what the next phase of my life will be like. I know that only God knows the number of our days and I could go before him. Your writings give me a little glimpse into the future…thank you,Ginny.
My heart is with you, dear one. ❤️
It has been almost 2 1/2 years for me (after a fairy tale 44 year marriage) and I experience the same type of things. Funerals, ugh..have lost my two best friends and 3 close friends in the last 6 months. 3 of the funerals I sobbed at, and had to walk out of the service. I cried harder than at my husbands funeral, maybe I was in shock and worn out at his, I don’t know.
We loved the oldies music and I cannot listen to it presently. I didn’t listen to any music for a year, (and that makes a car trip boring)! Then I discovered I could listen to current music because there was no history attached to it. I have been in a store 2 times where I broke down and sobbed because of a song being played, but occasionally, I hear music in a store and I am ok, and sometimes I must have a defense mechanism that tunes the music out if an old song is playing. So, I seriously understand those anxiety swings. I never had an anxiety issue in my life until this tragic loss.
Your articles mean a great deal to me..I get you! ?
It has been almost 2 1/2 years for me (after a fairy tale 44 year marriage) and I experience the same type of things. Funerals, ugh..have lost my two best friends and 3 close friends in the last 6 months. 3 of the funerals I sobbed at, and had to walk out of the service. I cried harder than at my husbands funeral, maybe I was in shock and worn out at his, I don’t know.
We loved the oldies music and I cannot listen to it presently. I didn’t listen to any music for a year, (and that makes a car trip boring)! Then I discovered I could listen to current music because there was no history attached to it. I have been in a store 2 times where I broke down and sobbed because of a song being played, but occasionally, I hear music in a store and I am ok, and sometimes I must have a defense mechanism that tunes the music out if an old song is playing. So, I seriously understand those anxiety swings. I never had an anxiety issue in my life until this tragic loss.
Your articles mean a great deal to me..I get you! ?
My world was silent for a long time as well. ❤️
Oh Ginny (((hugs)))) to you and V!
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Where do you find Rescue Remedy Spray ?
I have purchased it in health food stores, the occasional pharmacy, and on Amazon. ❤️
Glad V will be okay. Thank you for being so open about these raw emotions we deal with now. It’s been 6 years and it still happens. My husband and I enjoyed music a lot…I can’t listen to it w/o tears yet. I listen to books on CD in the car.
There is me before and me after…and it helps to know there are others that feel the same.
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In 10 days it will be 1 year since my 40 year old son went home. I think I am doing fine (with the help of Xanax) until one little thing happens and then this raging b*tch enters my soul. God help anyone in my path. I always disdained taking medication to “calm your nerves”. After 4 months of laying my head on the pillow, closing my eyes and seeing my son’s face, tears flowing and having to get up and stay up until I was so exhausted I could sleep..I finally told my doctor. Just the littlest dosage of Xanax has helped me cope each day. It doesn’t change how I feel or act, but does help me feel calm and able to handle most things that come my way. Anxiety is horrible!!
My heart is with you, dear one. I cannot imagine the death of a child. ❤️
I just returned from IL. I took some of my husband’s ashes home to his mother and sisters. His birthday was on the 7 th, the day after we got there. I cried on the plane there, on arrival, at his birthday dinner, a car show he would have loved and when I had to say goodbye. I’m crying as I write this. I lost him this past Christmas Eve and still can’t imagine life without him even though it’s my reality now. I had his first tattoo recreated and put on my left shoulder while in IL. Our daughter got the next one he wanted with his ashes added to the ink. Love and miss him.
My heart is with you, dear one. I never thought of mixing ashes with the ink for a tattoo. Wow! ❤️
Hello,
I can sooo relate to your story! I have anxiety too and would have been in the same boat with same feelings!! I hate it too!!
Prayers for you! Hang in there!
Love your stories and blogs and Sisters on the Fly!!
Blessings,
Penny
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Glad to know that your friend is ok, Ginny
Thank you for sharing the story.
Love, hugs and prayers ❤️
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I know what you have been going through. I was like that for 27 yrs. of my life.I also had3 children,my husband always worked away,but thank God as my children got older they got me help,and now,thank you Lord I am fine. My husband also passed away ,it will be 6 yrs in Dec. Anxiety and panic attacks I would not wish that on anyone..
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Hi Ginny,
This sounds quite similar to what happens to another friend who also lost her husband suddenly and was going through emergency medical treatment to try to save him. She says she has flashbacks at times and it’s really like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is happening less as time passes, but the shock of the sudden event, the sight or sound similar to what she experienced (sirens) can trigger it.
BUT you are strong and courageous. Courage is when you act when you are afraid, and you did and you are courageous:) Hugs, Sally
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