“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:17-18 NIV
We had a good discussion here yesterday about downsizing…a topic near and dear to my heart and one not everyone is interested in. I get that. We like our stuff…it brings back memories, it is proof of what we worked for. But, what do we do with HIS stuff? If you’ve watch any rom/com, you’ll see women throwing the guys stuff out the upstairs window and burning it on the lawn if infidelity or divorce are involved. While I don’t necessarily recommend that, I can see how it would be cathartic. Usually the man takes care of his own stuff in a breakup. That can’t happen when death is involved.
When I was newly widowed, I walked in a daze for weeks. I couldn’t imagine going through Mr. Virgo’s stuff and getting rid of anything. I would often stand in his closet, wrap myself in his clothes that smelled of leather and tobacco and Halston and woods. I grieved to my very core, holding onto the last things he touched. I did this for a few weeks. Then I took off in my little camper for three months.
When I returned, I had screamed and cried out a lot of my initial grief up on the mountaintops. I realized standing in the closet wrapped in his clothes wasn’t healthy for me. My daughter was a teacher at a poor, inner-city school that had a program for young men. They provided a suit and interview training so they would have a better chance at landing good jobs. When I heard about this, something inside me smiled. I knew Mr. Virgo would love to have his suits used for such a purpose. This gave me the impetus to go through his closet. I saved a couple of sweaters, my favorite ties, and his leather bomber jacket. The rest I bagged up.
When I woke up the next day, I reached for my phone and saw message after message on my feed…Happy Father’s Day! I sat up and looked around. All of his clothes were in bags on the floor surrounding the bed. And I had no one to hug for Father’s Day. I always had a bag packed to impromptu camping trips so I went out and hooked up TOW-Wanda and headed for the hills for a few days.
When I got home, I carried the bags out to the car and carted them around for a couple of weeks just to make sure I was really ready to let go. Once I was convinced, I delivered them to my daughter. I would have loved to have heard the stories of successful job interviews!
Once the closet was cleaned out, it wasn’t a big stretch to go through his dresser and get rid of his underwear and socks. I never felt like I was invading his privacy until I got to the top drawer of the highboy and his briefcase. That bothered me. I felt like I was snooping. I knew I had to go through them because there were papers in there that I might need. I did find some things I wasn’t expecting. There were a couple of charge accounts I didn’t know about. And there was an envelope with his and another woman’s name on it addressed to the house he lived in before he moved to Aspen. At first, I was upset by this. I thought I knew everything about him. Then I realized that he didn’t know everything about me either. We were in our mid-50’s when we met. A lot of water had gone under the bridge before we ever set eyes on each other. The new information didn’t change a thing about our relationship. It was still wonderful. So, I let it go.
My way of cleaning out his closet may not be your way. And that is perfectly fine. We all walk down this path in our own way, in our own time. If it’s ten weeks or ten months or ten years, you do what you need to do. I will lay this down here though, and you can pick it up or not. There is a wonderful organization called Career Gear. You can donate suits and business casual clothes to them and they provide training, professional clothing, and mentorship to men in need so they can get good jobs and provide for their families. I saw a story about them, I believe on Sunday Morning. This would be a good place to donate your husband’s clothing. Or, you may find something similar in your area. It’s just a thought.
Another alternative is creating a memory quilt or pillow from items of his clothing. My friend Steve did this. He had memory quilts made for his three kids and teddy bears for his nine grandchildren…all from his late wife’s clothes. It was a wonderful way to memorialize Nana for her family. I don’t know anything about this particular site, but it’s an example.
https://www.toocooltshirtquilts.com/blog/dealing-with-the-clothing-of-a-passed-loved-one
I hope you find your way through this difficult step with peace…no matter when you decide to do it. Just remember to do it your way. Don’t let anyone tell you how or when. ❤️
When my husband died I didn’t know which would be worse – seeing all his clothes Hanging in the closet or seeing the empty space. His sister was there with me & I decided to go ahead & clean out his things so she could help me. I donated them all to the children’s home our church supported. I made a teddy bear from all his ties for his two sisters & me. I attached a little poem- “when your down & feeling blue and don’t quite know what to do-hold him close & feel the love sent from Mikey from up above.” I just spread out all my clothes in the closet to fill the empty space . It’s not easy either way.
I understand. Love the tie teddy bear idea. ❤️
When my husband died I saved his housecoat and slept in it. I saved some sweaters and ties for our son. He had a pair of jade cuff links and I turned them into pierced earrings and I wear them a lot. Our 2nd child who was unborn at the time has a lot of his furniture. It makes me feel good and still close to him.
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This post has hit very close to me. I lost my husband not quite 3 months ago. I look at his stuff and wonder what to do with it. His flannel shirts I will have made into teddy bears. It is hard to use his computer as I feel I am violating his space. He was always the more organized one of the 2 of us and I use to drive him crazy with my stuff. All the bill paying stuff is on his computer so I do have to use some of the time, luckily I found master passwords in the file cabinet. It will be hard to throw away half used bottles of aftershave etc. Jinny I thank you for your blog, I have followed it for a number of years after I lost my son and found this site. Also thanks to you I am considering joining Sister on The Fly.
Awww, Valerie…it is comments like this that make me keep writing. I know God sends me people and I am so humbled. Thank you so much for your kind words, dear one. My heart is with you in your loss. Do the things in your own time. And do them with love. ❤️
When my husband died I gave away almost everything clothing wise. I kept a couple of significant things and gave those to my sons. It was hard to let go of his things but they had to go. I needed to lighten my load because I wanted to put this huge house and property on the market. All of this was so soul hurting! Letting our dream house go to someone else along with letting go of my dreams of growing old with the man I loved.
God had His plans for me and I am now living in a new state, a new home, and have some wonderful friends. My big take away from this experience is yes this is painful.. awful.. like nothing you have ever experienced. You will come through this pain and be stronger and able to cope with life better.
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My husband died 12 years ago. Initially in the first 3-4 months I did most of the clothes sorting. I kept some things I wanted and gave things I know my stepson would want to him. Some things are still here and i should do something with them but one of the things I still enjoy taking out from time to time is his bottle of Old Spice. Just taking a smell of it brings back such great memories of dancing and being together. Strange, I now, but it works for me.
I remember the first time I pulled out his bottle of Halston, I had no idea it would knock me to my knees. I can smell it now on others, but have never wrestled up the nerve to smell the bottle again. ❤️