I remember the way I felt when the calendar turned from 2013 to 2014. Somehow, in my grief addled mind, I thought it would make things better. It would create distance between Mr. Virgo’s death and….the present. I thought maybe there would be magical power in being able to say “He died LAST year”…as if that space and time would somehow fix this dreadful suffering I was mired in.

But it didn’t.

The New Year dawned and the same horrible ache I felt in my heart, the same sense of fear and uncertainty I felt, was still there like a burning coal I could not set down. I think that realization made it even worse because I knew in my heart the only way “out” was “through”. And I was so weary of the pain.

This is the seventh New Year. I thank God in every way that He carried me through the hell that was acute grief. I thank Him for leading me at every turn and held my forehead all those sleepless nights when all I could do was cry and throw up. I thank Him for bringing me to an excellent grief counselor who listened and knew how to help me with the PTSD brought about by watching the valiant efforts to save Mr. Virgo’s life.

I thank Him for nudging me to pour my heart out on these pages and for giving me the words to do so. I thank Him for opening doors and giving me the courage to walk through them. I thank Him for blessing me with supportive and loving children and family who have stood by me every step of the way…even when I’ve been a pain in the caboose and they roll their eyes at some of my decisions.

And, I thank Him for bringing Mr. FixIt into my life, along with a great big bonus family to add to my brood. I am so blessed to have this life and will never take it for granted.

When I felt the winds of change blowing me in a new direction in my writing, a thought was formulating in the back of my mind that I couldn’t quite express. I was feeling a certain melancholy and couldn’t figure out why. What was the significance of this New Year over any other? Then, I saw this video and realized…I entered this decade with Mr. Virgo by my side…never dreaming he would be gone in such a short time. 

It’s a big deal to be turning the page on not just a New Year, but on a new decade. The last seven-ish years have been spent healing and growing and learning how to live without him. Then learning how to open my heart wide enough to accept MORE love instead of closing it off for good.

I’m entering new territory here…a decade Mr. Virgo will never experience. When this video popped up on my feed, I watched it and realized, it was released just before he died. It was an anthem I cried over. The lyrics slayed me and brought me much needed emotional release. As I rewatched it before I wrote this, the lyrics took on new meaning for me. In addition to the reminder of my past losses, there is another loss to contend with.

Ever since I shared with you my desire to change my writing schedule here on my blog, you have shared with me what this space has meant to you along the way. I cannot close this door completely and just stop altogether. Because I still need this space as much as some of you have indicated you do. I’ve come to know and love you. I’ve cried with you, and prayed with you, and celebrated with you. I don’t know if I can ever express what joy you have brought me. What healing and comfort you shared that eased my broken heart.

When I thank God for all He has done for me in this last decade, I thank Him so much for YOU. For giving me this space where we could help each other heal. Lift each other up. To laugh and cry and live and learn with each other.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

For being here and helping me through the worst of times.

And here we are…about to head into a new decade! What shall we learn? Where shall we go? What will God reveal to us in this mystical little place called Marshmallow Ranch?

“When I’m Gone” by Joey and Rory Feek

https://fbwat.ch/1V3CvhygTPjtgWSw

❤️

“ ‘Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.”

Jeremiah 33:6 NIV