Everyone thinks their grief is the worst grief ever…because it is theirs. This is legitimate because it is YOU that is dealing with it, YOU that has lost your person. It’s hard to imagine it being any worse than it is…at least, at first it is. After some time, you begin to hear stories of other’s loss and you begin to see where they have gone through much worse things. This doesn’t negate your experience at all. But it does give you incredible empathy for others who are struggling.
Over the course of the last five years, I have spoken with countless widows and widowers who have lost their spouses…everything from the sudden death of a heart attack like Mr. Virgo to long, drawn out diseases such as cancer that took their loved one ever so slowly. I have often thought, while my loss was sudden and shocking, I couldn’t imagine watching him suffer. I told myself, if I had to lose him, at least it was fast and relatively painless, from what I could tell.
One of the harder things to imagine is losing a child or a grandchild. That goes against nature…we aren’t supposed to outlive our youngsters. Or death by suicide. It is so hard to know what to say to those left behind. I’ve written about this many times…especially what NOT to say. You should never say “They’re in a better place.” Because, they aren’t to the ones left behind. They should still be HERE. THIS is the better place. You should never trivialize another’s grief by going into your own story. There is a place for that, especially when asked by the newly bereaved a question like, “How did you handle this?” The best thing you can do is offer a hug or some other form of support like errands, food, or chores. As far as what to say, a simple “I am so sorry. My heart is with you in your loss” should suffice when you have no other words.
I’ve faced people with all kinds of grief, but I came up against something yesterday that broke me. A sweet friend I know from camping lost her son and his girlfriend two days ago to murder abroad. I struggled all day yesterday with what to say that would make a difference. Finally, I told our mutual friend who was going to go sit with her to please tell her I am praying so hard for her and her family. I am praying for comfort, for endurance, for strength, for courage. And to tell her my heart is breaking for her.
This is new territory for me. It’s the ultimate unthinkable scenario. The worst of the worst case scenarios. And, just that morning, I read in my daily devotions…
1 Peter 5:10NIV “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.”
It must be incredibly difficult to maintain your faith when the unthinkable happens and your child is lost in such a violent manner. It must be terribly confusing to make important decisions while navigating laws and language barriers with a foreign country all while you are totally numb. It must be so frightening to do this with very little family to support you. You pray there are close friends who will help in your time of need. My faith always brings me back to seeking God in every situation. In this, I am reminded…God does not bring these tragedies upon us. He is not punishing us for some transgression. There is evil in the world and terrible, evil, unthinkable things happen. And, while it may indeed be a very long season for you to get through this unspeakable thing, God wants you to know your suffering is finite. He will bring you strength and will restore you. Not in the same form you were. But in a different way, a different person, a different life. He will make you strong, firm, and steadfast, though you may not always feel that way. He will never leave you nor forsake you, though sometimes it will feel as though He has gone quiet and distant. He restores your soul. Yes, this I know. As Marilyn Meburg (@marilynmeburg) said in her “Early Nite Munch” on Twitter last night, “How does our sweet shepherd restore our soul? It’s after we have emptied the contents of our hurt and He’s still listening. He holds our quivering mass of uncertainty in His hands and whispers “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
That’s the best I can offer in this saddest of all circumstances. This I do know…it’s ok to not know what to say or do. But, at least try to say or do something. Even if it’s just a sincere, “I’m so sorry.” This is not my story to tell, so I will not identify my friend or her son. But please…lift this mother who lost her boy and his girlfriend in the most unimaginable way…lift them in prayer and ask God to wrap them in His feathered wings as they take each next step on this arduous journey. God knows who they are.
And…tell your loves that you love them. ❤
I have been reading your posts for a few years. Today you could have been writing my story. I lost my son and daughter-in-law to a snowmobile accident in 2009. My grief has changed me. A simple hug and I’m sorry works better than some one saying to me ” your grief is worst”. Many prayers for your friend .
I can see your point, Rosemary. I am so sorry you lost your son and daughter-in-law. As I wrote this, I was “processing out loud” which is what I often do. I should hope no one would say to the bereaved, “Your grief is the worst.” Grief is grief and all grief is terribly difficult. There isn’t a ranking system. Yet, I have read that psychologists say death by suicide or violence are unique. My goal here is to validate people’s feelings and suggest ways of coping with the difficulties of life. Death by violence is uncommon enough that if it touches your circle, one likely is at a loss in how to process that. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. It had to have been incredibly difficult. ❤️
I was reading a “grief” newsletter a number of years ago after I lost my son to suicide and something similar to this was being discussed. And the gist of what was said was not to compare different types of death as that was putting a value on life. That has always stuck with me. As I hear more and more about the mass shootings, I am thankful that my son only chose to take himself.
I understand your point, Valerie. I don’t necessarily agree with the article in the newsletter. Each life has the same value. One who is taken violently is not more important than one who dies peacefully in their sleep, although they are likely to be featured in the news for some time. My point was that the circumstances surrounding a violent death have an added dimension of shock due to the very nature of the act. Just as we watched in horror at the mass shootings at Columbine, Aurora, Florida, Sandy Hook and the terror attacks on the Twin Towers, we are shocked in a different way than when our grandmothers pass. It doesn’t diminish grandma’s life or the pain of her passing. This is just my own personal opinion. My heart is with you in the tragic loss of your son. ❤️
Ginny thought don’t know the s family, my heart is breaking for them. May God comfort them and bless them. I am so sorry