A couple of months ago, I joined a Facebook page for widows. It is a closed page so it is a safe place to go when you wish to articulate something that you don’t necessarily want plastered all over FB. In some instances I find it to be very helpful with many wonderful women offering support. But many times I read what’s there and it makes me feel like I’m on a slippery slope and I just can’t quite get out of harm’s way in time. I feel so bad for these women who are struggling so much. I offer words of support and encouragement. I offer prayers of tender mercy. But I’m almost at the point of calling it quits on that site because it takes me to a place I don’t want to go anymore.

I’m not insensitive. I know everyone experiences grief differently. And it’s not that I lack patience or empathy. I just don’t like feeling stuck and that’s what I often am left with after reading the posts. I don’t think I have my head in the sand. I’m pretty straightforward when discussing the often sensitive road of grief and loss. It makes me wonder how you all have put up with my ramblings over the last 16 months. I try to be the eternal optimist and not bring everyone else down to the depths of despair that often hangs over you on this journey while still being blatantly honest about what it’s like.

My “Pollyanna” personality (as Mr. Virgo called it) keeps me up most of the time. I totally accept that it’s OK to not be OK. And, I never, ever give up. If I ever tell you “I give up” then it’s time to worry about me. There have been moments when I questioned my sanity. There were times when I honestly had no idea what I was doing. But I get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other and do my best and try to express to you what it feels like. That’s all anyone can ask for.

I am not saying I’m doing better than those women in that Widows Group. I question why, or how, I seem to be doing so well. And I ask myself, could it be because I only had my Mr. Virgo for seven and a half years? Most of the women on that FB page have been married for decades. A lot of them are very young and have been left with small children and little to no resources. It breaks my heart.

Anyway…maybe sometime down the road I will be able to help these women more. But, for now, my own heart is getting stronger and healing and I can’t mess that up, no matter how much I want to help the women in that group. I have a friend who is a widow at the seven year mark and works as a grief counselor. I love her strength, sensitivity, and ability to just listen. She is amazing and is a wonderful role model.

Just remember…it’s ok. You’re going to be ok again. You’re going to learn to breathe again. Just don’t give up.