***I originally posted this story nearly two years ago. It never hurts to revisit topics and the number of Ranchers has increased tremendously since then. Here is the reprisal of the rock story.***

My younger daughter wears her heart on her sleeve, just as I did when I was growing up. She's the fixer...the tender-hearted one who wants everyone to be happy. It took me many, many years to finally gain the insight I needed to help her. She thinks in analogies much as I do, so this is how I taught her to take care of herself in her relationships and daily interactions.

Gandhi urged us to be the change we want to see in the world. If we want goodness, we must be good people. Mr. Virgo called me Pollyanna because I always look for the good...always. When you look for the bad, it's all you will ever see. It becomes the lens through which you observe everything. It is poisonous, killing you and your loving heart, your caring mind.

I used to love to do jigsaw puzzles. I had a table set up where I could spread out and enjoy solving it, piece by tiny piece. And each piece gave me more of the big picture. Life after the loss of your loved one is like a 1,000 piece puzzle with a ton of pieces missing. And sometimes they're the critical ones...the ones that helped you identify what it is you're shooting for.

My aunt buried two husbands. She has never stepped foot in a funeral home since. It's been 25 years. I never quite understood that till yesterday. I went to the funeral home with several of my classmates after we met for coffee yesterday. I've been once before since Mr. Virgo died. It was someone from church. A young man who died from a drug overdose. I wasn't that close to the family. I did fine.

I was walking down Grand Avenue in Glenwood Springs, CO the first week of January when the familiar "ding" came from my cell phone. I had a new message. "Can you call me right away? Danielle". Hmmmmm, when you get an urgent message from your financial advisor, you drop what you're doing and call! She told me a reporter that had sought her out for comments a couple of times wanted to know if she had a client who would be willing to be interviewed for an article on widowhood and retirement. Danielle immediately thought of me and my journey and wanted to know if I was interested. I was thrilled that she thought of me but when I found out it was for the NYTimes, I must say I was at a loss for words. Yes. Me. At a loss for words. Hard to imagine, isn't it?

I mentioned in yesterday's post that I regretted some of my spending choices in the first year or so after Mr. Virgo died. I look back and wonder what on earth I was thinking. I was warned. I was also in a near emotional coma so maybe I can't be blamed entirely, even though I am completely responsible. I didn't take exorbitant trips. I didn't fly to Europe or anything. But, there was still quite a lot of frivolous spending in an effort to escape my pain and loneliness.

Yeah, it starts setting in about now, doesn't it? I have a bookmark on my phone for a "Countdown to Spring" timer (It's 30 days, by the way!). I want to look at it ten times a day...you know, just in case I discover I have been in some sort of time warp and it's actually next week instead of next month. Sigh.

Is it just me or has the world gotten meaner? I had dinner with a friend the other night and was presenting my theory and I think it is valid. I walked in a fog of grief and pain for over two years after Mr. Virgo died. I have just in the last 6 months or so felt like I'm waking up and rejoining the human race. I'm different, certainly. But, I am much more aware of what's going on outside of my shell now. And, I've gotta tell ya...this world has gotten mean. Was it always like this and I had my rose-colored glasses primly planted on the bridge of my nose? Perhaps. Was I so in love and enjoying Mr. Virgo's relatively new presence in my life that I wasn't really paying attention to the world around me? I'm sure. Did it get meaner while I was checked out in my grief battle? I truly believe so.

No, really...I was a DJ for about a year or so. Man, that was a fun gig. I had a weekly show on KDNK, Public Radio for the Roaring Fork Valley. Located in Carbondale, KDNK (named after the Dinkle Building where it is housed) was a bastion for alternative programming. You could hear any manner of DJs from stay-at-home-moms to nurses to members of City Council.

There are broken hearts around us on Valentine's Day. Love lost breaks hearts. I know. I've had many broken hearts. The death of a loved one devastates hearts. I know this, too. There are so many circumstances that are more tragic than mine. The loss of a child. Or grand child. Or of suicide. I cannot comprehend this loss. I pray that I will never have to.