I'm loving this little corner. Plants, light, a quaint view. What a lovely setting for a cup of coffee and my morning musings. I like to set the tone of the day by reading something spiritually based…either my bible or a devotional of some sort. I especially enjoy reading Kristine Carlson's posts here on Facebook. She co-authored Don't Sweat the Small stuff with her late husband, Richard Carlson. Kristine has a wonderful way of breathing light into my mornings. Liz Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame is another good read. There is always something thought provoking to get my mind up and running.
Aging ain't for sissies. Neither is grief. One can feel amazingly strong and rock solid in one moment and fall apart in the next. The fragility of my heart surprises me every single time the switch gets flipped.
As some of you may know, I have THE most awesome brother on the planet. He was born with cerebral palsy and has a resultant developmental disability. He is sweet, charming, funny, guileless. He lived at home with our mom until her unexpected death eleven years ago. He had never learned to do anything for himself. After mom died, he came to live near me in Colorado. He learned how to take care of himself and lives in as independent a setting as he can. He is my hero.
If you were to walk into a fine restaurant, you would fully expect to get a menu with a multitude of delectable dishes to choose from for your dining pleasure. While you may not have a taste for foie gras from either a gastronomic or ethical viewpoint, you will have a myriad of other choices that should better suit you. Mr. Virgo once owned a restaurant in Snowmass, Colorado. He had an extremely famous celebrity in one night who put up a huge fuss because there was MEAT on the menu! He calmly explained this was a STEAK HOUSE and perhaps she would be more comfortable moving along to a place with more suitable food. This is much like life. We have this HUGE menu. We can order whatever we want. Granted, sometimes what we want isn't available, but that doesn't mean we can't ask. We have choices. Lots and lots of choices.
When my older daughter was about six or seven, we were sitting on the couch watching a PBS special. (Just ask her…Channel 6 is all she was ever allowed to watch. We were SO mean!) At one point, she sighed and laid her head on my shoulder.
It's fitting that I will awaken on New Year's Day in a new place. I moved into my friend's beautiful loft yesterday. She practices Feng Shui and I must say the energy in this space is amazingly clear and clean. There is "happy" oozing all over the place!
I went out for dinner last night at the local brew pub with a relatively new group of people and it was quite lovely. They are energetic, upbeat, athletic. The food was wonderful, the service great, and the restaurant was abuzz with excitement for the busy night ahead.
I don't like resolutions. They represent change and, as a widow, I've had just about all of that I can stomach, thank you very kindly. "The only thing in life you CAN count on is change." "Change is good." "If you don't change, the view will remain the same." Trite platitudes, at best. Besides that, how do I know what I'm going to want to be doing in August? I don't know what I want to do TOMORROW let alone set myself up for the inevitable failure of another ill conceived resolution. I prefer to choose a word to focus on instead of resolving to change even more things in my life.
Do you ever look at your little girl pictures and wonder where your sparkle went? It takes a lot to dull my shine, but lately…I just haven't been feeling it. Then I came across this picture in my archives. Just look at this little girl! She's got her nekkid baby doll, a pretty dress with shiny party shoes, and she's at her grandma's house. What else IS there to life? She hasn't been molested or abused. She hasn't seen her parents fight. She hasn't dated or married or divorced. She hasn't had babies. She hasn't worried about how to pay the bills. She hasn't sat on the edge of the bed at 2am waiting to see the headlights signaling her daughter's safe return home. She hasn't comforted her bullied child. She hasn't held her grandchildren. She hasn't lost her mom. She hasn't met the love of her life. She hasn't lost him. She hasn't known grief.
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where your interactions with the other person leave you confused? A remark comes out of the blue, takes you by surprise, hurts, stuns then with practically the next breath, the person turns it around, smiles, becomes sweet and complacent, and you wonder what just happened? You begin to second guess your perceptions. You think surely what you thought was happening really wasn't. It had to be your interpretation, right? It had to be something you said or did that caused that negativity because, see? They're so nice! That is crazy-making behavior. It's a very clear sign that you are in a toxic relationship. I've been there. And fortunately, having been there, I can recognize it when it comes along now. Oh…it took me a little bit this time. I let it bite me three or four times before I caught on.
What a perfect day yesterday was. It was nearly 60 degrees with beautiful sunny skies and I was free in my way-cool pickup truck, flying through the mountains of West Virginia…the warm support and love of my extended family tucked safely in my heart to pull out when needed. Sometimes you have to go to your people and draw from the well to fill yourself back up. My heart feels so much better now.
I used to put so much stock in trying to make sure people liked me. When I think of all the times I jumped through hoops for approval, I cringe. I'd say it adds up to an awful lot of time wasted in angst over people, many whose names I no longer remember. This is one of the gifts that keep on giving from my starring roll in that blockbuster hit…"The All American Dysfunctional Family".
