“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. Ernest Hemingway”

This quote is the honest to goodness truth. When I write, I feel as though I have given blood. And you all are that welcome glass of orange juice you get afterward. :-)

I am counting down the days till the one year anniversary of Mr. Virgo’s death. As I do, I am ruminating over what has been most beneficial to me on this grief journey.

“Live life with abandon and DANCE!”

It’s hard to feel down when you’re dancing. Sometimes I just crank up the tunes and rock around the house. It’s good exercise, it’s fun, and it focuses your attention on something other than your pain. It’s ok to take a break from grief once in a while. No one is going to judge you. And if they do, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life anyway. So put on your party shoes and dance, honey!

“Grief”

Someone asked…what does grief feel like? Wow. If we knew ahead of time what it would feel like, would we be better prepared? I don’t know…maybe. In 1981, I had my gallbladder removed. I had absolutely NO idea the amount of pain that would entail. It was back in the days before they were done through laparoscopic surgery so it was the full 8" incision across the upper right side of my abdomen. It was excruciating and I was so mad that no one had warned me.

“Nature…cheaper than therapy!”

Therapy has its place in our lives. When everything falls apart, sometimes we need a little help sorting out the pieces. It’s up to us to provide the glue.

One of the things I absolutely love about TOW-Wanda is she has big windows strategically placed. I can hand grind and prepare my French-pressed coffee in the morning, prop up my pillows and get back in bed. I always try to park with the best views out the biggest window. I watch the light change, listen to the wind in the trees, and soak every ounce of nature’s beauty into the marrow of my bones. I always keep binoculars, a camera, and my journal within easy reach. Once the chill is off the morning, I hike, fish, drive, or just sit by a rushing stream. I try not to have an agenda unless I have a destination in mind.

“Seek Balance”

I did not learn to ski till I was 33. It was the first year my ex-husband was in his new medical practice and I was lucky enough to be a stay at home mom. We lived 15 minutes from the ski area, so I would get my housework done, run up and ski a few runs, then head back to the house to start supper and be available when my daughter got home from school.

No one ever told me grief felt so much like fear. CS Lewis"

I sat bolt upright in bed, my heart racing, that not totally unfamiliar creepy-crawly feeling on the back of my arms from the adrenalin. What was it? A sound? A dream? A dream…yes. And a bad one. Another bad one. I turned to my right and he was there, resting peacefully, one arm carelessly slung above his head. Mr. Virgo’s chest rose and fell with the rhythm of deep sleep. I realized I was holding my breath. I sighed, let the tension release from my shoulders and headed for the kitchen. In the dim light, I saw it was 2 o’clock. The moon was a waning crescent…just a sliver hanging in the cold March night. I ran a glass of water and stared out the window.

“St. Elizabeth’s Hospital for the Criminally Insane”

Our topics of discussion this week have been pretty heavy…death, dying, abuse, and difficult relationships. All this angst can be a bit of a downer if you focus on it all the time, so I’m going to tell you a true story…one of the funniest I have ever heard.

A friend of mine teaches OSHA-style safety courses all over the country. He speaks to maintenance, engineering, and automotive workers on various safety topics.

“Be Yourself…Everyone Else is Taken”

I’ve been sitting here for the last 15-20 minutes trying to come up with something more profound than that, but I’m empty tonight. I had a productive day. I’ve been typing my manuscript which entails reading a lot of the things I wrote in the first few months after Mr. Virgo died. That is a lot like having your appendix removed without anesthesia. But it must be done now, while it’s relatively fresh and the raw bits are still easily accessed. It’s exhausting and I can only do so many pages before I’m emotionally drained. While a nap might sound nice, there is too much escapism involved there. I needed to get out among the living.

“Losing Focus”

Sometimes it seems there are more things that need doing than there is time to do them. I’m finding myself in that position as I try to purge my house of clutter and projects I will never in ten lifetimes get to. I need to lighten my load so that I can move forward with getting housemates to make this place pay for itself.

“Girls at Camp”

There are so many things in life that we are uncomfortable talking about. Death is obvious, and I make it a point to discuss the subject openly and honestly as it affects me personally. Yet, I believe one of the most difficult topics to discuss openly is abuse…physical, emotional, sexual. It is just as uncomfortable to talk about today as it was 50 years ago even though great strides have been made to bring it to light. I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse, on more than one occasion, by more than one person. The memories didn’t fully surface until my own daughters were the ages I was when my abuse occurred. I sought professional help to work through what had happened to me and how it affected my self-perception. When I started seeing a grief counsellor in October, we did a session of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to rid me of a traumatic image of Mr. Virgo that kept resurfacing. Once that was relieved, I asked if EMDR works on traumatic memories from childhood and I was assured that it can. I scheduled a second session and prepared myself to relive the trauma of my abuse all over again in my mind.