“Sisters on the Fly”

If you are looking for something really, REALLY fun to do, you simply MUST join Sisters on the Fly! They are an outdoor adventure club with a goal of empowering women. Picture Girl Scouts with martinis! Do I have your attention yet?

As many of you know, Mr. Virgo and I were standing in a travel trailer deciding which one to buy when he had his heart attack. We were preparing for his retirement and had plans to travel the country, one little town at a time. When I was left a widow unexpectedly, I decided to fulfil that dream. I went out two weeks after he died and bought TOW-Wanda and took off for three months alone to work my way through my grief in my own way. In 2004, my mother had died and I rented a 17’ U-Haul with a car hauler behind for my Toyota, so I knew I could handle a little ol’ 16 foot travel trailer on my own.

“Stressed out? There’s a nap for that!”

Ah, to be a kindergartner. To be five and the only responsibility is tying my shoes and keeping a goldfish alive. Someone to give me a cold glass of milk and a warm cookie. Someone to tuck me in with a kiss to my forehead. It’s nap time.

Entire cultures revolve around naps. Some corporations in Japan offer small cubicles where workers can take a much needed break from the hustle and bustle of a busy life. Einstein worked for a few hours at a time then slept, rising to repeat the cycle and look what it did for HIS brain! I’m not talking the escapism of depression here. That kind of napping is unhealthy. No, I’m talking about taking a break from the BUSY and slow down. A power nap. A peaceful nap. An oasis in an overly cluttered life.

“Cinderella’s Boots”

We cannot know what another feels unless we have “walked a mile in their shoes”. Sometimes we can’t relate to their pain even if we HAVE been there because every grief is different. Some seem to handle great loss with grace and aplomb. Others seem to be crushed by the same set of circumstances. If you are the crushed one, you must not compare your capacity to cope with someone else who looks like she is getting along beautifully. You don’t know what’s happening behind closed doors when they are at home.

“Bridges”

My heart is tender. My feelings lie on the surface like pebbles on a beach, washed over by the waves of grief till they are worn smooth. Gone are the jagged shards of a broken heart only to be replaced by one so tender and bruised that I tend to want to keep it safely tucked away, untouched. At the same time, I yearn for companionship. It’s a tightrope I walk blindfolded, praying there is a net and I’ll get to the other side. I have so many interests that have come along since Mr. Virgo died. I am not willing to give those up for anyone at this point. The good news is, there is no hurry…time is unimportant in grief.

“I don’t want to be labeled as lonely just because I’m alone.” Delta Burke

We live with labels. Single. Separated. Divorced. Widowed. Each conjures up a preconceived notion about the person. Incomplete. Selfish. Sad. Old. Pitiful. Alone. That may describe the situation we find ourselves in, but we are so much more than that. We are rich, complex, experienced, courageous. And…we are alone. Some by choice. Some have their singleness thrust upon them by death or by the choice of others. No matter what the circumstances or what the label, we are living in a world built for two. We aren’t usually invited to dinner parties. We are often unsure where we fit in. We avoid situations that point out our singleness. Our self-identity has been altered drastically…stripping us bare to our very core.

“Dinner with Friends”

One of my dear readers told me the other day that she couldn’t go out for dinner by herself. She gets take out and goes home to eat alone. I understand that. It’s hard to be one in a world built for two. It can be intimidating to go out alone. I was married to a busy doctor for a long time so I was used to going out without him. Of course, I had a child with me, but it set a pattern. This served me well as I now have no problem going anywhere alone. My advice to my gentle reader was to take baby steps. Find an area coffee shop and take a good book. Even better, find a book store with a coffee shop in it. There’s bound to be plenty of people around and they will never notice you are unaccompanied. Sit near a window so you can daydream and people watch to keep your mind occupied. Carry enough cash with you to cover the bill and tip in case you can’t take it and have to make a dash for it. Try to do this at least once a week and don’t go to the same shop more than twice in a row. This will start a pattern of seeking new and interesting surroundings. You can go to a movie or a great art gallery alone. People do it all the time. Until you get brave enough to go at night, afternoons are perfect.

“Courage”

Someone responded to one of my posts the other day that I was the bravest person she knew. My first thought was, “Oh, I wonder who she’s talking about?” Then I realized it was ME she was referring to. It gave me a chance to reflect on how far I’ve come in this journey. As the time is slipping ever closer to the Angel-versary date of Mr. Virgo’s death, I am finding myself introspective…more so than usual.

“Authenticity”

When I wear my fringed and beaded western jacket, my girls roll their eyes. My granddaughter (the 10 year old fashionista) shudders and walks some distance from me. But others go on and on about this jacket. I finally asked a gal in Aspen why she liked it and she said it was more me than the jacket. It was ME, being authentic. Not being self-conscious. Not being afraid of what others might think. That is how 60 year olds become sexy! This is something that has to come with age, this ability to step out of the cloak of conformity we wore all those many years.

“Letting Go”

This has been on my mind for a little while now. Every day is bringing me closer to the end of this journey. Not the end of feelings or sudden waves of grief, but the end of the “Year of the Loss”. A year ago we were enjoying his day off together. We would have had breakfast, watched some TV, maybe gone out for a drive. We would have cooked dinner together. We would have laughed and hugged and held hands. And three weeks later, on his Tuesday off, he was gone.

“Money”

Is it just me or does this subject scare you to death, too? It seems like no matter how tight I draw the purse strings, money falls through my fingers faster than I would like. I’ve never been the best money manager and now I’m in a position where I have to learn what I really should have learned years ago. I’ll admit it…I’ve been a princess in the past and was pampered for far too long. I’ve been on food stamps living in HUD housing and I’ve been a wealthy doctor’s wife. I’ve been everywhere in between so I know I will survive under any conditions because God always provides me with exactly what I need. I’d just like to preserve what I have for as long as I can and leave something to my children and grandchildren. I am blessed…I am grateful. But at times, I get really frustrated…like today.