“Girls at Camp”

There are so many things in life that we are uncomfortable talking about. Death is obvious, and I make it a point to discuss the subject openly and honestly as it affects me personally. Yet, I believe one of the most difficult topics to discuss openly is abuse…physical, emotional, sexual. It is just as uncomfortable to talk about today as it was 50 years ago even though great strides have been made to bring it to light. I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse, on more than one occasion, by more than one person. The memories didn’t fully surface until my own daughters were the ages I was when my abuse occurred. I sought professional help to work through what had happened to me and how it affected my self-perception. When I started seeing a grief counsellor in October, we did a session of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to rid me of a traumatic image of Mr. Virgo that kept resurfacing. Once that was relieved, I asked if EMDR works on traumatic memories from childhood and I was assured that it can. I scheduled a second session and prepared myself to relive the trauma of my abuse all over again in my mind.

“Marshmallow Harvest”

The other day, someone asked where the name “Marshmallow Ranch” came from. It’s been a year since I started this page so I’ll tell the story again.

My children are close to 16 years apart. No, it’s not a typo…that’s a 1 and a 6! It’s not that we planned to wait so long but this and that came up and finally, when the baby factory was about to close for good, we decided we’d better do this. Her big sister stayed at the local community college so her baby sister would know who she was.

“Faith. It doesn’t make things easy. It makes things possible.”

I spoke with a dear friend tonight. Her mother has been given three months to live. Theirs was a difficult relationship yet, of the five siblings, she is the one attending to her mother’s needs. We discussed how difficult this situation is yet she says she has never been more at peace. It’s like a flow of energy she’s being carried on. I totally understand this. I feel it every day. I think this is what people see “on” me when they tell me I look peaceful, radiant. It’s that flow of energy.

“Grand Canyon”

In 2011, Mr. Virgo and I found ourselves living in Denver and hating it. We both had long commutes and felt like hamsters on a wheel merely moving from the cage of home to the cage of work. One day in May, Mr. Virgo came home from work and looked so worn down. Our renters had decided not to renew the lease on our house in the mountains so I took one look and my poor man and said, “Why don’t we just go in to work tomorrow and quit our jobs and go home?” His eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and within two weeks, we were moved and settling in. We neither one had jobs, nor were there any good prospects. This, like many other times in my life, was a leap of faith. I knew in my heart it was time to go home and everything else would fall into place. God always takes care of us.

“Santa and Me”

I find that if I get out and mingle with people I do a lot better than if I hang out at the house too much. Today was no exception. I found myself wasting the day away so I headed to town about 2pm. I have lived in my small town since 1986 so I can just about bank on seeing someone I know when I’m out and about.

“Me and My Fur”

After church this morning, I drove to Aspen to wander the streets and treat myself to lunch at the Hotel Jerome. I asked my waitress if she remembered Mr. Virgo and she told me a funny story about being scheduled for July 4th as the only bartender and she wanted to crown him. She told me to tell him hello, so I had to tell her he had passed. It makes me sad to tell people who cared about him because they are always upset with the loss and that they may have upset me.

“You are someone’s reason to smile!”

What a difference a couple of days can make. I had a really good day today. Long, but good. I worked at the doctor’s office and had an in-service late in the day in Aspen. I got back to the office at 6:30, went to the restaurant across the street for dinner, and came back to the office. I needed to do a tutorial online for EKG’s and Holter monitor and by the time I got done, it was 9:30. I live an hour away and have to be back early tomorrow. We’re supposed to have snow and there is so much wildlife out this time of year, I just figure it’s safer to stay here at the office. Our exam tables are really cushy massage tables and we have plenty of pillows and blankets. It’s really secure and there’s a lock on my office door as well. So, I’m stayin’ put!

“A Text from Mr. Virgo”

Awwwww….look what I found on Mr. Virgo’s phone! I love when these little messages come to me. Like this summer when I was cleaning out what we called the dump station. It’s a little wooden charging station where we’d park the phones when we got home and little bits of this and that would end up there. I found a little sticky note wishing me Happy Valentine’s Day so I stuck it up on the fridge to remind me of a sweet, gentle man who loved me more than anything in the world. The gift that keeps on giving!

“Sheldon Hugs Penny”

We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth. —Virginia Satir, family therapist

We’re going to get touchy-feely here today. I love hugs! Mr. Virgo and I couldn’t be in the same room without touching each other. We were openly, physically demonstrative and for me, that was like water to a desert flower. For those of you who are widowed or who live alone, for whatever reason, you know how it feels to not have anyone to hug and to hug you back. Certainly the quick hugs we sometimes get when we greet friends and good acquaintances feel good, but I’m talking about the “will you hold me a little while” kind of hugs. This is more likely to be from a family member, but even they have their limits as to how long a hug should be held and still remain comfortable. A good long hug just doesn’t happen…at least not nearly often enough, when you are alone.

Oh....my....gosh! I have the COOLEST story to tell you! I know you all can tell the last few days have been a bit of a struggle. I knew the first Christmas after losing Mr. Virgo was going to be rough and it has certainly been shaping up to be a pretty dismal affair all the way around. I finally gave in in early November and started seeing a grief counselor and she has really, really helped. Even so, as I was preparing myself for the tears that would inevitably come during my session this afternoon, I spent some quiet time talking to Mr. Virgo. I asked him, if he could hear me, if he was still watching over me, would he please send me a sign so I could know. I know that may be really weird to some of you and you might think I've gone 'round the bend, but this is what happened later.