Sitting in Cleveland Airport. Flight is WAY delayed but brother and I will munch on these yummy oatmeal raisin cookies that my sweet aunt made for us this morning. We had a wonderful time in West Virginia. I’m looking forward to editing all my pics and sharing my adventures with you all. We drive home from Denver tomorrow, I see patients on Thursday then back to Denver afterwards. Oldest daughter’s birthday! Friday is an event with Sisters on the Fly…drive-in movie. Fun! Camping with the Grandkids on Saturday, home for a couple of days then off to meet a friend for camping the following weekend. Whew! I’ve missed you all as I have been without Internet and cell service for 12 days….GASP! Talk to you soon!
I have discovered my nemesis. I have coped really well with everything over the last few months. Remarkably well. Then last weekend when I was at a town festival, a gentleman standing next to me started choking and all I could do was stand there. The man needed the Heimlich maneuver and even though I have worked in medicine for over forty years, I was frozen. All I could see in my mind’s eye was my husband in the ER. It really shook me and I had to sit down. Then today, I got a call at 4:30 from my 23-year-old who has been running a fever for 3 days. Once I got her settled back down with instructions and got off the phone, I had a full-blown panic attack from worrying about her health. I understand logically what’s going on but there is no logic when you are in the throes of anxiety. The darkest hour is just before dawn
I think this would be one of the most beautiful places to live. Mr. Virgo and I lived not too far from here in 2008 for about a year. I was a little disturbed that the trees didn’t fully leaf out till June, but what little time we had off together was absolutely beautiful. We often drove up Pagosa Boulevard out and back down Plumtaw Road to Piedra Road. We made a day of it and hiked and had picnics. This ranch was pretty much the end of the road in this one section and it really is stunning. It was a beautiful summer, except for the part where Mr. Virgo wrecked the ATV and was in the hospital for a week, but that’s a story for another day.
Another photo from my tacked on, 4 extra day, camping trip last week. Isn’t this soothing? I sat here for hours and contemplated that red canoe. Oh, what I could do with a red canoe! I would take it out on beautiful, clear mountain lakes, drop a line, read a book, take a snooze, get a few good snapshots of wildlife, perhaps. These trips are just what I need right now. I’m not getting anything done at the house. I don’t like being in my house. Mr. Virgo isn’t in my house anymore. It’s like it’s not even my house. Like it’s crying. Like it has somehow misplaced a part of itself and it can’t figure out what to do next. No, wait, that’s me. I’m ok, really. It’s just that, right now, I don’t like my house. And for now, that’s ok, too.
I have been receiving wonderful feedback from so many people regarding my writing, my travels, my journey through grief, my jewelry, my photography, my “adventurous spirit”. You are telling me that I inspire people. That I remind you to love yourselves so you can be of service to those you love. I even had a lovely lady tell me she had lost her husband several years ago and always wanted to do what I am doing but was afraid or didn’t think she could. Now she is searching for her own trailer! I am humbled.
Today was busy…dentist, eyeglass place to install new lenses in my glasses, but then off to the first afternoon/evening of Strawberry Days. Fun seeing people I hadn’t seen since LAST Strawberry Days and great music. I caught the trout Wednesday afternoon. Let’s see…
$80 for 4 days campsite fee
$36 for Colorado Fishing License
$30 for half a tank of gas up and back
$55 for new Rod & Reel
$ 5 for worms
$10,000 for trailer
Mr. Virgo was the photographer in our family. When he bought his super duper new camera, I inherited his “OLD” camera. I had never in my life had as nice a camera as that OLD camera! But, try as I might, Mr. Virgo and I could be standing right beside each other, taking the same picture, on auto-everything, and his photo would be great and mine would look like one of my early attempts with the little Brownie camera I got when I was ten! So, now that he is gone, I have been trying my hand with his super duper camera and editing software. Bingo! It’s the camera! OK, maybe it’s not ALL the camera. I’ve been studying a ton of websites online for tips. Like, how to take pictures of the moon. My photos all show a bright, white orb in the sky that could just as easily be a filtered shot of the sun. This evening I Googled “How to take pictures of the moon” since it’s the Super Moon tonight. I wanted to get a shot with it rising over the mountain but I couldn’t read that fast! I found the trick is to use manual settings with a very fast shutter speed and still use auto-focus. This keeps your f-stop in the correct setting. Or something like that. I don’t know. All I know is I FINALLY got the shot of the moon I’ve been looking for. Now that I know what to do, I will try to get a shot of the moonrise from up around Genesee or Red Rocks so I can see it coming up over the horizon above Denver. I’m sure having fun with this new camera. Mr. Virgo would be proud…or horrified that I’m touching his NEW CAMERA! :-O
I called my second ex-husband (yes, Mr. Virgo was hubby #3. Third time’s the charm, right?) to wish him Happy Father’s Day. He was driving and a captive audience so we had a nice, long conversation. The subject came around to the question of how I am doing. After awhile, he commented that this whole process is really complicated. As usual, I think of what I SHOULD have said a day or so after the fact. What I should have said was, I don’t look at it as complicated. Complicated has a certain negative connotation to it. I look at my loss and the grief that follows as complex and multifaceted. You figure out one thing at a time but you are faced with an ever changing landscape to navigate. I view this whole process as a diamond. The more facets there are, the more valuable it is. The more lessons I can learn. The more directions I can grow. We are faced with many losses in life. When you face yours, look for the diamonds.
As a widow, I have been finding myself still having trouble making a real meal. I mean a real, fix-a-few-things-and-sit-at-the-table-and-eat kind of meal. I had dinner with my dear, “little brother” last night and he cooked. It was a simple meal…an Indian dish served over rice. But it kick-started me into rethinking my dining habits.
Mr. Virgo did his PhD thesis on the loss of real dining as a society, so meals in our home were an occasion. I know I have spoken of this before, but thought I would revisit the issue since it has been three months since he died and I’m still not really cooking the kind of meal I could sit down and savor.
