Since we’ve been on the topic of mental health, we might as well broach one of the biggest crazy-makers there is. Cognitive Dissonance. I am not an expert, but I have a general understanding of this psychological concept. And it’s something that actually hurts my brain.

It takes all kinds to make the world go ‘round. If we were all alike it would be a pretty boring world. There was a time in the not so distant past that people disagreed with each other...usually in politics or religion...and could still practice civil discourse without going off the rails in a temper tantrum. There was a time when civility and grace was a valued character trait. 

I’ve gone through a lot of therapy in my life. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and the substance abuse of self-medication. I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and the progeny of a dysfunctional alcoholic father. I haven’t always selected the best relationships and I’ve made a thousand and one critical errors of judgement. My life has been messy and I’ve hurt a lot of people along the way. But, I’ve had a boatload of therapy and then I finally listened to the knock on my heart and let Jesus into my life to perform the most amazing miracle in an instant. 

This is probably going to be the darkest post I’ve ever written to you. It’s dark...but it’s not without hope. It’s not without love or light or promise. It is merely my observation and it has been weighing heavy on my heart the last few days. When something sits in me like that, I know I’m supposed to write about it, so here goes.

I was ten years old when JFK was assassinated and I remember every detail of that day...and the days and weeks after. That event changed my life by taking away the innocent idea that everything is good in the world. Martin Luther King. Bobby Kennedy. The Challenger explosion. 9/11. All monumentally bad things that happened and changed the world in an instant. 

All my life, I’ve wanted to have chickens. I remember chickens when I was a little girl. I used to think they were out at Grandma’s farm, but my Aunt Peeps says she never had them. Interestingly, Aunt Peeps got her nickname from a book about a little chick that went “Peep, Peep, Peep!” She had that book memorized when she was a toddler and my PopPop always called her Peeps and it stuck all these many years later.

The phone rang at 4:00 yesterday morning. We both jumped up...hearts in our throats. No good news comes at 4:00am. It was my stepson calling to tell his dad he’d better go downstairs and make sure the sump pump was plugged in because a big storm was coming. Within minutes, the wind picked up and the rain started pelting the house. Flashes of lightning were near constant and the crash of thunder set your teeth on edge. I reached down and unplugged my phone and iPad. Priorities, you know.

I slept a deep and dreamless sleep at the farm. I went to sleep with the sounds of owls and the occasional night bird. I awoke to the sun striking the the tippy top of the far ridge, the glorious choir of songbirds echoing down the holler from the woods above. What little bit of spring rain we’ve had trickled quietly in the creek outside the bedroom window I had propped open with an old bottle. My breathing was steady...my heartbeat was slow. I was feeling quite zen in the moment.

I had to be up bright and early yesterday to take the truck into the body shop to fix the damage from the rebar I ran over a couple of weeks ago. Could it have waited? Yes. But there was very minimal contact with others in the interaction. I wore a mask, spoke to one man in the body shop...at a distance. Handed over the key and declined his offer to wait inside for the Enterprise guy to bring my vehicle. When the car arrived, I sat in my truck and the agent stood six feet away and asked questions. I handed him my ID and credit card wrapped in a disinfecting wipe...for his protection. I received it back in a different wrap for mine. It was all done in five minutes.

I was thinking about the shutdown this weekend and wondered how people would have reacted if, from the get-go, we were told...”Ok, y’all need to go home and stay home. The only places you can go is the grocery store, the pharmacy, the gas station, and the doctor or hospital...period! You can help a senior or a debilitated family member, but everything else is shut down...like, NOW!”

Yesterday was so beautiful on The Ponderosa. The forsythia and flowering quince are at their peak of color. The pear tree out front is so full of delicate white blossoms the limbs bend. The grass in the fields has filled in with a spring green that shocks the eyes in the glare of the sun. All around us, the woods are filling in...first the underbrush, then the trees budding. It is a sight to behold and one that brings peace and comfort to my soul. It brings promise in the midst of an ugly scourge that is threatening the world. The dichotomy between the microcosm of my world and the painful specter that is New York, Italy, and countless other locales Boggles the mind.