Today could be a terrible day but I choose for it not to be. A couple of weeks ago I was anticipating that it would be, and asked you to bear with me. And, true to form, you stood behind me, held me up in prayer, and offered words of encouragement. I have had lots of time to muddle through my feelings and have made many choices. The very nature of grief says this isn't over…never will be. But I've made a choice to turn the page today. I have graduated from "Grief 2.0". Today I choose to remember the funny things…the great stories…the laugh fests…the handsome face…the piercing blue eyes…the fierce devotion…the gentle love. Today I will remember my man.
It is not possible to walk through fire, innocent and exposed, without coming away burned. Life burns us. Yet life blesses us with the flames. I was burned with the loss of Mr. Virgo. I was blessed that it happened in the spring so that each year when his Angelversary comes around, the earth is being reborn and I am given hope. I was burned…as so many of us are. Our hearts ripped from our chests and the only way to breathe was through the gauzy fog of grief. I am blessed that the woman inside me…the one I thought was gone forever…has started peeking her head out and I'm delighted to see her. I missed her terribly! She's the fun part of me. The playful one. The free one. The earth mother. The sexy, juicy goddess of joy. I've missed her and longed for her return. I tried a couple times to hasten her arrival only to be spanked on the hand and told to wait. Wait. Wait. She knew best. She knew she had to stay away till the burns healed into scars. I am changed. I have been transformed. Peeling the layers away with the debridement of my soul has brought me as near to my center as I have ever been. I liken it to having new eyes. This new light is a bit shocking after having spent the last two years in suspended animation.
The West Virginia Cultural Center rests on the campus opposite from the state Capital in Charleston. They are celebrating their 32nd year of wonderful Americana music. I went last night with one of my high school friends. It was the best $15 I have ever spent! Five bands plied us with their tunes and it was divine. And, as much as I would love to write a brilliant, articulate blog post, I am way beyond too tired to do so. Suffice it to say…a good time was had by all!
Sometimes people tell us something about ourselves that just is not true, yet we believe the lie. I can't possibly be the only one this has happened to, right? We can go years…decades….lifetimes believing these lies we were told by people who were important to us. We incorporate insensitive remarks into our psyches. And isn't it refreshing when someone stops you during your umpteenth self-denigrating comment and says "Now, wait a minute. That is simply untrue." I have a dear friend who has a habit of saying things like "Well, you know….I'm NOT the sharpest knife in the drawer." It simply is not true. How can one read 500 page books, dry stuff like Genghis Kahn, and be even remotely stupid? I want to yell at my friend and say "Stop it! You're beautiful! You are perfect!"
Progress is being made. Another step closer to getting my friend's bathroom done. Yesterday we set the vanity and countertop. And the marble backsplash. We had an extra set of hands when Carol showed up so we hung the medicine chest. We had to mount the medicine chest lower than the standard because my friend is vertically challenged. Unfortunately, that means her faucet is too tall for the space between the vanity and the mirrors so she'll have to take it back. We set the countertop with adhesive to the top of the vanity. We affixed the backsplash to the wall behind the sink. Then we ran a tight bead of silicone caulk on the seam where they meet. We put in the doors and the drawers. A little plumbing and we're finished with the sink. We work by committee, always reminding each other of important details. It's really looking great!
I have a new life. It's not the one I wanted. It's not the one I had planned. But, as God would have it, it's the one that was planned for me long before I came here. Oh, I could sit here and contemplate why this and that happened, but does it really matter? Each step along the way prepared me in some way for the next.
Wow, it is amazing how quickly the river has risen above flood stage. And it's powerful. I never saw this river as having much of a current but the chunks of ice are flying by. Along with trees, boats, docks, storage sheds, and all manner of things! I have a healthy respect for raging flood waters. Not to worry, there is zero chance of me being swept away. I'm way up above the flood plain.
I am so proud of my friend. Last week I showed you the underlayment I put down in her bathroom for her. That was in preparation for the vinyl tiles she was going to lay. There's a new kind of peel and stick tile that you can use spacers with and grout to look just like ceramic or stone tiles. How many of us have been told we can't do something simply because we are women? Well, so has this gal and she, like many of us, has a tendency to second guess herself and listen to other people's opinions. I assured her she was more than capable, stop overthinking, and do the job the way her gut told her. And look! She finished the tile and grout on her bathroom floor and it looks awesome. Today, we'll move the new vanity in and hook up the plumbing. She's doing an awesome job.
I love it when God throws something down right in front of me. This time He said, "Here ya' go, sugar. This one's here to make sure you don't forget to dance!" He is part of a large group of friends I've made who get together for dinners and live music. The next couple of weeks could be dangerous territory for me. Left to my own devices, I could wander down the dark alleys of my mind and forget I'm the one with the pulse. So, Saturday night at our group gathering to dine and dance to the Carpenter Ants, he loaned me a couple of CD's introducing me to a musician I'd never heard.
There was a time when I was clinically depressed and I took antidepressants for about ten years which was the last half of a twenty year marriage. I wish I could say it was ALL my ex's fault but we both know that's rarely the case. That being said, once I got over the initial pain of the divorce, I didn't need antidepressants anymore so that speaks volumes about the marriage itself. Given that history, if there was ever going to be a time that I needed drugs to help me cope, it would have been since losing Mr. Virgo. But I haven't. Because I had a history of depression and had gained coping skills through therapy, I have not needed antidepressants during my grief, which has actually kind of surprised me.
