Grief shuts you down. After Mr. Virgo died, my world went silent. No TV. No Music. Even the sounds of a loving, boisterous family set my teeth on edge. I retreated within myself. Not necessarily in a depression like I have felt in the past. It was more like grief sucking the life out of me and placing me in a vacuum. A place I needed to go to heal…but not to set up camp forever.
Almost Heaven. Mountain Mama. Even with the disappointment of not getting to live on the family farm and struggling through some pretty rough winter weather in a camper, West Virginia still holds an allure for me. I have really been looking forward to spending spring here. I've only had one spring in WV since I left for good in 1975. I'm looking forward to the dogwood and redbud blooming. The spring flowers are already popping up here and there. Trees are budding, birds are singing, peepers are…well, peeping. I woke up early Tuesday and listened to the day begin. And it really felt like spring even though it was much cooler than Monday's high of 72.
No, not in TOW-Wanda, thank you, God! My friend Janet and I were sorting through boxes upstairs in the cellar house out at the farm on Monday. I had invested in a really powerful ultrasonic rodent repellant last fall. I was certain it would keep mice out of my boxes but there was evidence I was mistaken. I opened a dish pack and was about one third through it when a very large mouse jumped out straight at me! I almost wet my pants. Now, I am not afraid of mice per se but their erratic movements startle me.
How many of you have been in a relationship where "fixing" was the primary focus? OMGosh! That is a NO WIN situation. My second marriage was all about fixing each other. He wasn't demonstrative. I tried to fix that and magically turn him into the huggy-kissy man I needed. I was needy, overweight, and depressed and he tried to fix that and turn back the hands of time. It was exhausting and fruitless. And it wasted about ten precious years of our lives. When Mr. Virgo came along, there was nothing to be fixed. We just fit. And we could rest in that. We were an oasis in a great big desert.
Ok, it's not OFFICIALLY spring yet, but the peepers came out this weekend and that's a sure sign we're on the right side of winter. I swear, I feel as though the governor called and stayed my execution…I couldn't be any more relieved that the warm days are here.
The weekend was filled with great music, wonderful friends, and good food. The weather was warm and sunny. Consequently, the river is cresting this morning. We didn't get the rain that was predicted so I think the flooding won't be quite as bad as they thought.
Living large has such a different look now than it did even just a couple of years ago. I've been a single mother on welfare. I've been a doctor's wife. And I've been in a moderately affluent marriage where the most valuable currency was love and attention. Honey, trust me…a housekeeper is nice but I'll take the love and attention any day of the week over a new car every three years. Without question.
There's something about listening to live music that speaks to my soul. I love the ambiance of an intimate venue. My brother friend Greg says there are many venues in the valley where I lived in Colorado but I just didn't know about them and probably wouldn't have gone if I did. Consequently, I have experienced far more entertainment in the last few weeks than I have in years. It's good for my spirit.
The fog rolled in heavy and lay across the river, dampening the sounds of the night. The trains signaled their approach far before they reached the crossing, sending an echo through the valley that made me shiver. The morning dawned, chill and gray. Yet the day promised sunshine and warmth. I picked up a friend and headed for the country. We went to Berdine's Five & Dime and were like two kids in a candy store. She bought several birthday gifts. I bought a couple of things for the camper. We both bought chocolates at the penny candy counter. We went to the old Stout's Hardware for a paint brush. We stopped at the cemetery on the way to the farm. Last fall I buried a lock of Mr. Virgo's hair between the headstones in the family plot and marked it with a fork (a nod to his career in food and beverage). I sat on a stone and regaled my friend with fun Mr. Virgo stories, we laughed, and I left him some of my chocolate. We went to the farm and took a whole pickup load of my stuff to the church thrift store. There were a few boxes that I had to pass over as unacceptable emotional territory to attempt to go through yesterday such as items from Mr. Virgo's dresser. Ultimately, I sent my wedding dress on it's way. Someone will love it as much as I did. Then we came back to town, went out to dinner, and toasted to great men, brave widows, good friends, and promising futures! It was a beautiful, beautiful day. And thus begins the third year.
Today could be a terrible day but I choose for it not to be. A couple of weeks ago I was anticipating that it would be, and asked you to bear with me. And, true to form, you stood behind me, held me up in prayer, and offered words of encouragement. I have had lots of time to muddle through my feelings and have made many choices. The very nature of grief says this isn't over…never will be. But I've made a choice to turn the page today. I have graduated from "Grief 2.0". Today I choose to remember the funny things…the great stories…the laugh fests…the handsome face…the piercing blue eyes…the fierce devotion…the gentle love. Today I will remember my man.
It is not possible to walk through fire, innocent and exposed, without coming away burned. Life burns us. Yet life blesses us with the flames. I was burned with the loss of Mr. Virgo. I was blessed that it happened in the spring so that each year when his Angelversary comes around, the earth is being reborn and I am given hope. I was burned…as so many of us are. Our hearts ripped from our chests and the only way to breathe was through the gauzy fog of grief. I am blessed that the woman inside me…the one I thought was gone forever…has started peeking her head out and I'm delighted to see her. I missed her terribly! She's the fun part of me. The playful one. The free one. The earth mother. The sexy, juicy goddess of joy. I've missed her and longed for her return. I tried a couple times to hasten her arrival only to be spanked on the hand and told to wait. Wait. Wait. She knew best. She knew she had to stay away till the burns healed into scars. I am changed. I have been transformed. Peeling the layers away with the debridement of my soul has brought me as near to my center as I have ever been. I liken it to having new eyes. This new light is a bit shocking after having spent the last two years in suspended animation.