Depression is an insidious, dreadful, invisible disease. It can not only rob you of joy, it robs you of the ability to see. I don’t mean true vision. I mean the ability to see the good in life, to see the love others have for you, too see anything but pain.

Robin Williams lived in the richest county of America. He had a beautiful home and was wildly successful. He had a loving family. He had the freedom to do anything in the world that he wanted. He also had diseases. He had the disease called addiction. It haunted him and he tried so hard to tame the beast. He had the disease called depression. It followed him everywhere and he could never find peace from it. It was largely a silent, invisible, and ultimately deadly disease.

“Remembering Mr. Virgo”

The other night, I was browsing through my photos and ran across this one. It’s always been my favorite picture of Mr. Virgo. It’s a selfie before the term was coined. Before you started taking pictures at arm’s length that distorted your nose making it way to big for your face. He took this in his photography studio in Evergreen. It was his profile picture on match.com. It was the hook that captured my heart.

“ME Haul!!!”

I decided today was the perfect day to rent a U-Haul truck and bring everything from my storage unit back to the house. I met with my realtor today. Haven’t heard from Saturday’s showing yet, but the realtor I thought was showing it yesterday showed up this morning. I was prepared but needed to pick up my reading material and put my coffee cup in the dishwasher. I met the couple and shared SE of my sparkle with them. They were very nice, spent a half hour in the house after I left and then came back to look at it again an hour later! Good sign!

“Anchors”

While the house was being shown on Saturday, I drove into town for a Starbucks fix. Afterwards, I drove by my ex-husband’s house to see if they were home. I don’t usually drop by unannounced but felt compelled this time. I wanted to share with them what my plans are in WV and spend some time catching up.

There was a time when ours was very much a love/hate relationship. Or, probably more precisely, a love/anger relationship. As with any divorce, there was a lot of this finger-pointing, he said/she said stuff going on for the first few years. Then we both remarried and a sort of truce was reached. We went to the same events without killing each other. We spoke on the phone when necessary without diving back into the dirt. We made progress, slowly but surely, but I wouldn’t necessarily say we were “friends”. Then Mr. Virgo died, and it showed us all just how fragile this thing is. This life that we think will always be there and that there’s time down the road to mend your fences. In essence, my ex and his wife were there for me whenever I needed them, for whatever reason. Several months after Mr. Virgo’s death, we decided to have family holiday dinners together so the kids didn’t have to choose which place to go to first. After Thanksgiving, he and I had a few moments by ourselves and he told me it was ironic that it took a family tragedy to make us realize that we are just that. Family. Non-traditional, eccentric, mixed faith, loving, supportive…with common goals. Health and happiness.

“The Misplaced Farm Girl”

I grew up in town, but spent every moment I could at my grandparent’s farm. It is an idyllic place with a creek, woods, and lush ground for growing the best vegetables and fruit. It’s far enough out to be really rural yet close enough to town to make trips for a civilization-fix feasible.

All of my life, I have known this place would always be my home even though my life took me to Colorado. I did my best to get my city-born-and-bred ex-husband to move back home to practice medicine, but Colorado boys don’t do humidity. So I changed my tact to become a Colorado farm girl. We bought a log house on two acres. I had a huge garden that froze the last week of June. The next year the deer lined up for the buffet so I decided Farmer’s Market was a lot less work. All the while, I started collecting the Foxfire Books and every issue of Mother Earth News. I baked my own bread, made yoghurt and tofu, and canned everything I could get my hands on. I entered fairs and won ribbons. I taught pie baking classes. I boarded horses. I cut, chopped, and hauled firewood. It was a pretty cool life.

“Making a big life change is scary. But, know what’s even scarier? Regret.”

I went to a memorial service for a great guy yesterday. It’s the first funeral I have been to since Mr. Virgo died. I was a little worried that it would stir up bad memories but honestly, I remember so little of the actual service, there wasn’t much memory to stir. That’s the blessing of being in shock. And I’ve totally accepted that Mr. Virgo is gone and he’s not coming back. Yesterday’s service was beautiful. Great stories, lovely praises for a life well lived. Bob was the true example of living with no regrets and he was very well loved by everyone who knew him.

“Attitude”

I used to tell my daughters they could adjust their attitudes automatically or I could do it manually for them. Having a positive attitude attracts people with positive attitudes and your world gets a whole lot better for it. That’s not to say you won’t have the occasional grump who tries to dim your shine, but maybe your positive attitude will turn that person’s day right around. Or, maybe you’ll just piss him off ‘cause you’re just too darned sparkly. Whatever the case may be, there’s always an upbeat, positive spin that can be put on almost anything.

“On Being Grateful.”

I have an “Attitude of Gratitude”. I always see the glass as full to overflowing. I trust everything is as it should be because I trust God to have my best interests at heart.

My house was shown twice yesterday. My house sends me a text message when someone opens and closes the front door. And, yes…I was mildly perturbed when I saw that whoever was showing the house was in there exactly FOUR minutes. Four minutes! You can’t really see a house in four minutes with any real interest. So, instead of feeling bad, anxious, frustrated…I’m choosing to feel relieved. That person was more than likely NOT my buyer. They had best just move on and not waste anyone’s time.

“View of Georgetown Lake, Colorado"Traffic on I-70? Jet lag? See a lake? Hey, stop awhile…kick back, take a nap, read the copy of This Old House you picked up at the airport yesterday, watch the trout rise and the chipmunks scamper. Life is too sweet to sit in traffic!

Here are some pictures from the home of my heart!

“The Farm”