This has been a life changing year. The life I had planned, the one that included growing old with Mr. Virgo, ended abruptly a year ago this Wednesday. I sat in limbo, somewhere between then and now, in a fog of pain and self-doubt but filled with the determination that not only would I survive this challenge, I would thrive. There have been ups and downs, ins and outs, feelings of cowardice and courage. By the Grace of God…here I am. Open, filled with a joyful spirit, and ever, EVER grateful for all that I have. My life is abundant. I wrote this yesterday to post this morning. I already have Tuesday and Wednesday’s messages scheduled to post because today I am retreating with TOW-Wanda for a couple of days. I need to be alone with my thoughts and my memories. I need to just BE. I’ll be back Wednesday and will tell you all about it in Thursday’s post. That will be the first day of the rest of my life. I’m good. Don’t worry. I just want to be alone for a bit.
My younger daughter wears her heart on her sleeve, just like I did when I was growing up. She’s the fixer, the tenderhearted one who wants everyone to be happy. It took me many, many years to finally gain the insight I needed to help her. She thinks in analogies like I do so this is how I taught her to take care of herself in her relationships.
I’m sure most of you will relate to this to some extent…I feel like I’ve grown up more in the last year than I have in my whole life. Widowhood forces you to really look deep at yourself, your core values, your beliefs, your goals. A friend of mind told me today that nothing strikes fear in your heart more than death and money. That is so true.
Sometimes, I feel…if I could just concentrate enough, I could see him. As if there is a thin veil between where I exist and where Mr. Virgo exists and it’s just a bit too thick to see through. Or, if I close my eyes and really listen, really concentrate, I could hear his voice. Then I realize, that’s not likely to happen. Not in reality, anyway.
I learned last night that one of my friends can curse like a sailor. I learned this after sharing a private message that one of Mr. Virgo’s cousins send to me. When I first saw his name pop up, I was thrilled. I hadn’t heard from him in quite a while. Imagine my utter shock when the message I received was callous and hurtful. He was on a rant because I had relayed stories here on FB about Mr. Virgo’s military record, and some other family stories, that he said was, if not a gross exaggeration, were outright lies and he was insulted. He asked me to please leave his family out of my blog posts and to unfriend him. I was stunned. First of all, I only repeated the stories Mr. Virgo told me. I did not exaggerate or lie. Second, I have a drawer full of medals from Vietnam and I know they were my husband’s. Could Mr. Virgo have embellished his stories? I must concede the possibility. But he was a good and honorable man and I choose to believe him.
No, not in the Christian sense. There is a new show starting March 9th…two days before the anniversary of Mr. Virgo’s death. It’s called “The Resurrection” and it’s about people coming back from the dead. Science fiction. Apparently it’s being advertised pretty heavily. I’m glad I don’t watch TV.
When I first read about it, I thought “That’s something Mr. Virgo and I might have watched together and enjoyed.” Then I went to the website and saw stills of the actors, with the stunned looks on their faces as they “saw” their loved ones lost for the first time. A look of disbelief, hope, relief. I felt my heart twist. Did these program developers give any thought to how their show might be received by those who are grieving? Apparently not.
Hire me. I’m looking for the perfect job. Hire me, pay for my travel, and I’ll write about it! Sound good? Yeah, it does. Will it happen? Stranger things have! I’ll just send that little thought out into the Universe and let it gather some light and see what comes back to me. In the meantime, the reality is, we have to pay for our own travel.
I’ve given most of Mr. Virgo’s clothes away. I still have some things that really remind me of him that I want to keep. A shirt. A couple of sweaters. His glorious leather bomber jacket that I wear sometimes that still smells of tobacco and Halston. I’m not sorry I gave those things away. My closet space doubled and that was probably the easiest of all the adjustments I’ve had to make this year.
Bob Dylan was right…“I’m younger than that now.” There have been times in my life when I was SO old. I had hung my identity on a hook by the door and became something I wasn’t. I was not being genuine. I was being a chameleon and trying to fit into a situation that wasn’t healthy. It made me old beyond my years.
About 55 years ago, I was standing by my grandma’s rocking chair…in that window to the right of the door there. I was looking out the window asking her how Jesus walked on the water. She looked at me with kindness and said I just had to believe. I was skeptical and went on a 45 year search for “the truth”. It brought me full circle to the same chair, in the same window, in the same house. I just have to believe. Once I made that decision, everything fell into place…well, sort of.
We have talked a great deal about grief over the last few months, but the subject of mourning has never come up. They are two separate and distinct parts of dealing with loss, be it through death or divorce, or the loss of something significant in your life….a pet, a job, health. Grief is the private, personal experience of the feelings surrounding the loss. It’s the inner pain and how you deal with it. Mourning is the outward expression of your grief…tears, anger, the way you talk about your loss publicly or with a trusted friend or family member.
“My Journey”
“The Pile of Rocks”
“Growing Up…that’s my mama, back row, far right.”
“Vision”
“Proverbs of Solomon”
“What if they came back?”
“Travel Tuesday”
“Mr. Virgo’s Guitar”
“The Farm”
“Be Still, My Soul”