This is one of those moments when my mind ran about a hundred yards ahead of me and took me on a wild goose chase. A few days ago, when I was working hot and heavy on the taxes, I noticed some of my files on my new laptop had a red “x” on the upper left corner of the icon. I really didn’t take time to figure out what was going on because I had other fish to fry. When the taxes were finally completed Saturday, and I took a much needed day of rest on Sunday, I dove back in to the computer to find out what was going on.
“Hiraeth…a longing for a home you can’t return to.”
A Welsh word for the yearning…the grief for the places of your past. Yet, not necessarily a house. A place in your life that you can never return to. This is so much of what grief is…that longing to return to that homely feeling of the love you shared with another. I remember feeling this so very strongly after losing my grandma. And then my mom. It consumed me when I lost Mr. Virgo…that longing for home.
Wahoo! I not only got the taxes done, but I found the results to be quite pleasing. I don’t know why I was so worried. I had myself convinced I was going to have to pay a huge amount but that didn’t turn out to be the case. I feel such a heavy load has been lifted. Now I can go get the new brakes on my truck this week. I was putting it off till I was sure about the taxes.
I set to work yesterday, determined to finish the taxes. I sorted through every bag of papers I brought to the farm with me, only to come up two papers short. By the time I discovered this, it was mid-afternoon so I texted Mr. FixIt. He was due to arrive in a few hours.
I wish I could blame my reticence for bookkeeping on “grief brain” but truth be told, I’ve never been good at record keeping. I have all the modern conveniences at my disposal…laptop, smartphone, iPad, Quicken, Turbo Tax…but do you think I can balance my checkbook every month? Categorize every transaction for tax reports? Keep important papers gathered in one place and filed in some semblance of order? No. That’s someone else you’re thinking of. If I did that, what would I have to write about at this time of year, right?
Ever since I changed my Twitter handle to @GriefMaven, I’ve been meeting the coolest people in the grief support community. I have had more interaction and made more connections in the last month than I did in all of the five years prior. I have to admit, I didn’t really “get” Twitter. You send some random thought out, you throw a few hashtags with it in the hopes someone else is interested in said hashtagged subjects, then they like your Tweet. Maybe you get the cherished “Retweet” where they like it so much, they send it on. Or…the Holy Grail of Tweetdom…they FOLLOW you! They like you enough to watch what you’ll say next. I get it now. You can truly build a community in Twitter and I must say I am enjoying it tremendously. It’s an excellent platform to build each other up.
Oh, there is nothing like a good ol’ thunderstorm and a hard rain on this old roof to bring me into my cozy “safe place”. As I sit in my familiar chair at the front window, I can see through the veil of rain to the far hillside. The neighbor across the way lost his culvert drain last spring and spent much of the summer building and hand carrying five gallon buckets of gravel up the hill to fill in around the new drainage pipe he laid. Now, there is a new waterfall to watch when the rain pours. The white splash of the water on the rocks below glows like a beacon in the gloomy darkness of the storm. Thunder crashes and the skies open and just as quickly, it drops back to the gentle rain we’ve had all morning.
This is my ultimate favorite time to be on the farm. While there isn’t a chorus of “peepers” here like there is at the Ponderosa (Mr. FixIt’s land), there is a chorus of songbirds, owls, and the creek running outside the bedroom window to lull you to sleep at night. Not to mention the sounds of the rain on the tin roof here in this old farmhouse.
The Bible teaches us to teach others…to correct them in their ways…so that they might learn and grow and walk in the right direction with God. Yesterday, I was the recipient of such gentle guidance and it struck me deeply. It gave me a sudden insight into my own behaviors and was most welcomed.
For the last couple of weeks, I’ve mentioned several times how much work it has been to copy over the old posts from Facebook to my website. In looking back, I can see whining and complaining showing through my words. Sometimes it takes someone else to shine a light on a situation for you to really see it. That’s exactly what happened when a gentle reader wrote to me and pointed out the Bible loves a cheerful giver. I am giving to that new widow by making it easier for her to read the works that will speak into to her current situation. She pointed out that God uses ALL things for HIS good…and that includes when he put it on my heart to copy all this work over. I was reminded to think about what my spirit was while transferring. I simply love that and I am so grateful for her for taking this moment to teach me and gently correct my path. That is what we are supposed to do as Christians.
May you Rejoice and have a Blessed Easter. What was once nothing more than a Hallmark holiday for me has become a day of Rejoicing in the Risen Christ. Mr. FixIt and I went to church last night. They offered two services yesterday and two today. We felt Saturday would be less crowded. Wow…were we wrong! There wasn’t a seat in the place at the 5:00 service. The Worship Team outdid themselves and Pastor Justin gave an amazing message about just exactly WHO Jesus really is. It was wonderful!
“A Moment of Panic…”
“Hiraeth…a longing for a home you can’t return to.”
“Organized Chaos”
“Daffodils by the Cistern”
“It’s tax time!”
“The Sweetest Love”
“He Brings Me Bluebirds”
“Grandma’s Daffodils”
“Working on my iPad in front of the big window.”
“He is Risen!”